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| Our most recent addition to the album, notice the pic in the background? |
His birthday will be here in about 4 weeks. I'm putting together a package for him, and had asked his foster mother to inquire of some things he may like to have for his birthday. I got answers like clothes, shoes, toys, a phone (this kid has a sense of humor, evidently). And then she told me that she thought he said, "sisters come get me". She asked a couple of questions to clarify whether that is what he said and she seems pretty sure it is. Now, he may not completely understand what he is asking, may not understand the ramifications of us coming to get him to bring him to his forever home, but the request pulled on my heartstrings, nonetheless.
I have fretted about many things since we began this process. I knew it would be a long process, heavy laden with paper trails, and official seals and let's not even talk dollar bills. But the two biggest burdens on my heart have been emotional in nature. I worry about attachment on our end. I love this kiddo, but so far he's a face on an emailed picture, a little boy that I've never hugged, kissed, or disciplined. I know all these things about him, and they are all such precious pieces to the whole package, but I don't KNOW him. I think anyone who's adopted understands what I am trying to say. I haven't known him from the start, but I am trusting that the love that God has placed within my being for him long before I meet him will be the first of the bridges we will build together to a whole and attached family.
The second worry I harbor is whether he'll accept us. Everything he knows, from the food on his plate to the faces he's known all his life, are going to change. We are fixing to rock his world, and it's going to be traumatic. I can dream of an amazing "gotcha day" but for him it may be amazingly scary. I can dream of a happily ever after, and he may say happily never after. There is just no way to know for certain how his little mind and heart will react. I pray for a heartwarming story, when in reality we may see rocky beginnings before we get the happy endings. And daily, I pray to let that be okay. I pray that God continually will prepare my heart, all of our hearts, for the hard days, the tears, the anguish, the questions, and the sleepless nights. Because they're bound to come.
So when I receive answers like, "sisters come get me", my heartstrings dance a little jig. My chest constricts with a sort of terrified joy, and tears prick my eyes, because in his tiny heart and young mind, he's beginning to get there's a whole new life waiting for him. It won't be the same life he's lived, and I can't promise I'll ever learn to cook dumplings like he's accustomed to, and he may never hear fluent Mandarin again in his childhood, but it will be a good life. He will be loved, even if that love means we have to work a little harder for it sometimes. He will be family, even if he looks a little different. He will be a Blackwell, and may God give him the strength to survive us, especially his big sisters and their antics!
I love this journey, with all of its heartaches, worries, and joys. It's an incredible road to travel and I will be forever changed. I have been stretched in ways I didn't know existed. I have learned that trust in God is an almost tangible thing, how sweet the taste of relief is, and to become expectant more than apprehensive of the unknown things. I love to see the joy in my girls's faces when they talk about their little brother all the way in China, and I love to see smiling pictures of him with a picture of us on the frig behind him. I love the connections I am forming with his caretakers that live half a world away, and the lifelong relationships we will have as a result. We are on the long side of the halfway mark of this journey and before it's said and done, I will be a different person than I was when we started. I daresay, a better one!
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| Heartstrings of the human heart |
