Soon, and very soon.

On May 8, Bryan and I will board a plane bound for China. All the paperwork is finally complete. All the powers that be have finally said, "yes, you may come get your son". This journey has been amazing; it has been horrible. I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about governmental processes and if I never have to learn another acronym it'll be too soon. I have cried big, fat ugly tears, and I have praised God at the most random times in my day as I get good news in an email.

On May 14, 2018, we will finally touch the face of this child we have been praying for since February 18, 2017. That is just a few days shy of fifteen months. When I look back, the time seems to have grown wings and flown by. As I was in the trenches of waiting on the next deadline or for delays to resolve, time felt like it made like a sloth and crawled.

Some of the things I can not wait to do are to run my hand through his hair and stroke his cheek. I want to hold his hand as we walk down the streets of the country he calls home. I want to curl up with  him in a chair and make up for the snuggles we've missed all these years. I want to pick out cute boy clothes for the first time in my years as a mom. I want to assure him that we are his mom and dad and we aren't going anywhere. I want him to know how much we all love him. Simply put, I want my boy. And soon, we will have him.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours...

I saw a post today and wondered what, if any, kind of ripple effect it may have on society. She was a Chinese orphan, her name was Cindy, and she was 3 years old. She had epilepsy and cerebral palsy. She died today. She never found her forever family. She was surrounded by the love of a foster family. They advocated for her permanent placement in a forever home. It wasn't to be.

How does that affect you? What is your gut reaction? Mine? Nausea... because she's just one of millions of children that may never find their forever home. Anger... because there so many of us privileged folks with safe and secure lives and we're basically blind to the need that surrounds us. Heartbreak... because it could have been Joseph. Fear... because how can we ever solve this problem if folks won't step up! Hopelessness... because I don't know how to open the eyes of those around me to the overwhelming statistics.

Let's talk about some of those statistics. I read up on some regarding the children in our world today. These were last updated in April 2016.

1. Worldwide, it is estimated there are 140 million orphans. Let that sink in: 140 million orphans. That's roughly the estimated population of an entire country, namely, Nigeria. For a closer to home perspective, NYC only has 8.5 million people in it. Take that number and times it times 16. That's a rough estimate of how many orphan this world houses. That's a lot of kids!
2. There are 62.8 million children suffering from malnutrition around the world today. Again, I want you to reread that statement, and let it marinate. Then I want you to go back and think about what just the two most recent holiday meals entailed. Did you ever say to yourself, "I'm sick of leftovers!"? I know I did. 62.8 MILLION.  Feels like a sucker punch to your gut, doesn't it? It should.
3. Nearly half of all deaths of children under 5 is directly attributable to undernutrition. That translates to the unnecessary loss of roughly 3 MILLION young lives a year. It's staggering, isn't it?

These are just a few of the sad statistics the children of our world are up against. Read more at the following link:

https://www.sos-usa.org/our-impact/childrens-statistics

What are we doing about it? I am asking you, my Christian brother and sister in Christ, What are YOU doing about it. Stop, look around at your surroundings, your comfort level, your security and ask, "what am I doing?"

I read a blog article the other day about the angry adoptive mom. I read lots of blogs, mostly written by moms that are in the trenches caring for kiddos, just like me. Some articles are feel good, some are heartbreaking and some are invigorating. This one is invigorating. There is one statement at the end of the blog that caught my attention. She said, 

"If anger is the catalyst for an orphan to become a son or daughter, if anger is what it takes for an adoptive family in crisis to have a healthier family stand with them in the fire, then so be it."

Read the rest of that blog here:http://confessionsofanadoptiveparent.com/how-angry-adoptive-moms-are-changing-the-world/

I'll confess, prior to being directly in the path of this hurricane I'm naming Hurricane Adoption, I was woefully, yet blissfully ignorant. On some level I knew there were orphans. I knew there was hunger. I knew there was trafficking, yet somehow, I was able to live with blinders on. Like many of you.

God has taught me a lot of things during this adoption, and if I walk away with anything else besides our son, may it be an "eyes wide open" view point. May my blinders forever be removed from my life, may the scales be forever snatched from my eyes. May I NEVER EVER get so comfortable again in my life that I forget what destitution and heartbreak surrounds me. May my heart be so broken by what breaks my God's heart that I never stop trying to make a difference. May I be ANGRY at the things that bring heartache, harm and death to the precious littles of the world.

I don't believe that that is an unhealthy anger. I believe it is just. When Christ turned over the tables of the money changers in the temple that day, He was ANGRY. The temple was being made a mockery of. The place where worship of our Heavenly Father was to happen had become sullied by the selfish interests of the money changers. He was angry because the purpose of the temple had been perverted by those taking advantage of the weary travelers there for passover. 

Our comfortable lives with no thought, no concern, no action to the suffering are mocking the principles God has set forth for us Christians. We are told in James 1:27, "pure and undefiled religion is this: to look after the widows and orphans in their distress..." Isaiah 1:17 instructs us to "learn to do good, seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow". I can keep going, but you get my drift. God commands us to defend the defenseless and who is more defenseless than a child?

I sound angry in this blog entry. I am. Have no doubt that my pulse is racing as I write this, my cheeks flushed. I am typing faster than my fingers can keep up and I am making good use of the backspace button as I fix my typos. When I came across that post today about the passing of Cindy it made me angry. Cindy deserved a family of her own. 

This is my wish for you. This is what I want you to take away from this. Be angry, be heartbroken, be awake! Maybe for the first time allow yourself to see the ugliness in this world and never forget it. Be the person God called you to be, reach out into the mire and offer hope. Let your heart be broken by the desperation in the orphan's eyes and the widow's plea.  And share. Share your life, share your home, share your heart and share your blessings. Make a difference. 

22 But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. 23 For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. 24 You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. 25 But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

James 1:22-25

Dossier To China

We are sooooo much closer. For several months we have been accumulating documents for our dossier and each one has had to go through a sealing process: a local notary, Secretary of State seal, Department of State seal and then a Chinese Embassy seal. This process takes no less than 2-3 weeks per document and that's after we have gotten our hands on them from various vital record offices... it's been a doozy of several months!
But at last, that dossier has been compiled, approved, translated into Mandarin and sent to China for final approval. This is a huge step, because all other deadlines hinge on this one, and finally timelines are better established.
So pray for us, will you? Pray that every next step comes quickly. Pray for our patience as we continue filling out more paperwork and wait on the day they tell us we can travel. What a day that will be! And pray for us as we continue to raise funds. We still lack roughly 10 grand, which includes travel estimates for me and Bryan to go to China to pick up our kiddo!
We now have a crowd funding account that goes through Lifesong and is now tax deductible.  That link is being shared on Facebook and is also on our main blog page. We'd love for you to check that out and share it! Our YouCaring account will be discontinued at the end of the month. We have also been approved for a Both Hands project, and more to come on that in the coming weeks!
Thank you again for all your prayers, inquiries, positive thinking and support in general. You are invaluable to us!

Isaiah 58:11

The LORD will always lead you, satisfy you in a parched land, and strengthen your bones. You will be like a watered garden and like a spring whose waters never run dry. Isaiah 58:11, HCSB

I was reminded today of God's provision. We are beginning the grant applications, and I have been discouraged. We have been blessed in this life with wonderful jobs, and on paper, the numbers look good. But real life looks incredibly different. The cost for international adoptions top out between 30 and 40,000 dollars when you add in travel and all the "extras" like medical exams, passports, authentications and the like. It's so expensive, and no matter how well we do in life on paper, we just can't close that financial gap that international adoption creates.
But I'm not here, making my first post in months, to poor-mouth. It was somewhere in the middle of finalizing my 3rd grant application today that I came across the verse I quoted above. I was having to write a testimony of sorts, stating our reasons for applying for a grant. And I was honest. I told them what I just told you, that while I realized that paper numbers look better, they just didn't match up to real life. And then while answering the question as to how much we had already raised, it hit me! God has provided for us every step of this process.
We didn't know how we would fund the home study, and through our crowd funding platform on youcaring.com, it was covered inside of a couple of weeks. Every financial need has been met thus far. We have been tremendously blessed, and consistently reminded that God knows our needs, and is meeting them.
Maybe His timetable isn't mine. Well, actually there's no maybe about that. God's timetable and mine look entirely different. I constantly remind Him of that; bless my doubting heart. I struggle with the knowing  that God will provide, even though He consistently has.
My God will always lead me, as Isaiah tells us. He satisfies us in parched lands, ie drained bank accounts. He strengthens my bones, my resolve. He keeps me fresh, like a spring whose waters never run dry.
Our God is unstoppable, and it's high time I remember all the impossible things He has accomplished. Listen to this song by Elevation Music. https://youtu.be/ZBY2iZgBfr0
I love the chorus, where it says:
Unstoppable God
Let your glory go on and on
Impossible things
In your name they shall be done!

Amen? We have raised somewhere in the neighborhood of $17,000 between fundraisers and our own funds! We still have a ways to go, but God is good and He is faithful and we are trusting him to get us there. If you have any desire to help us, there is still plenty of need, but more than anything we covet your prayers and encouraging words! Thank you!

https://www.youcaring.com/janeandbryanblackwell-770932

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

Name the fear that paralyzes you in the night.
One of my all time favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. I love the story of a country girl discovering the magic of Oz awash in brilliant color, and the hilarious characters she encounters along the way. I especially favor the scene where Dorothy, Tin Man and Scarecrow enter the Haunted Forest. They've been charged by the Wizard to take the broom from the Wicked Witch of the West. They come upon the forest, which is notably dark and creepy. There is the weird sound of monkeys hooting and eerie music is slowly coming to a crescendo...
"Of course, I don't know but I think it'll get darker before it gets lighter" says our brainless Scarecrow. Dorothy swallows hard and turns to Tin Man asking, "do...do you suppose we'll meet any wild animals?" to which he glibly replies, "we might". Of course, Scarecrow worries whether the animals they'll meet will eat straw, and Tin Man, in an attempt I'm sure meant to placate him, responds, "some, but mostly lions and tigers and bears". He appears so calm when delivering that news. I guess not having a heart and all, he finds empathy a hard emotion to produce.
This declaration has Dorothy completely undone. She begins the chant, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh, My!" They work themselves up into a complete frenzy of fear, then next thing you know a lion's (albeit weak) roar stops them in their tracks!

There is so much in that scene that parallels the troublesome circumstances in my life. I focus on a fear, a worry, or if I'm trying to downplay it, I may call it a concern. And then like a parasite that finds a succulent host, it latches on and begins it's vicious cycle. Lions. And tigers. And bears, OH MY! I become obsessed with this mere concern and before I know it, it owns me! I chant the fear mantra in my brain when I wake, when I'm idle, when I lay down. I worry, I fret, "What if?!?". Scenarios run through my brain with different outcomes, fear dictating my life as I second guess all my decisions, me allowing the fear to negate all I know about a God who provides.
While I may be the only weirdo out there that is reminded of that scene in the Wizard of Oz when fear takes its deadly grip, I know I'm not the only one gripped by fear.  I know I'm not the only one who allows herself to be deceived that God isn't big enough. In Sunday School this past weekend, I was reminded that even the heroes of the Bible allowed fear to dictate their actions.
In the book of Judges, as we come to chapter 6, we read the story of Gideon. Backdrop: the Isrealites have yet again forsaken God. Consequently, He's allowed the Midianites to wreak holy terror on them for SEVEN years. For those ready to bash Him for this, hold on, it gets better...
The angel of the Lord comes upon this peon named Gideon, a weakling really, threshing wheat in a wine press. In case you don't realize by this description, he's hiding his harvest from the Midianites for they would surely steal it if he was out in the open where normal folk thresh their wheat. And no, I'm not being mean when I say he's a peon. Even Gideon recognizes this about himself. See along about verse 15 where he states, "Pardon me, lord [so politely], but how can I save Isreal? My clan is the weakest in Mannaseh, and I am the least in my family." Very self deprecating of you, Gideon. Anyways, back to my point, God calls Gideon, the least of the family, to save his countrymen from the tyranny of Midian. So after some whining, Gideon is finally convinced to commit to the task of freeing his people. Does this strike anyone else as familiar? God asking the impossible of the most inadequate? I love His sense of humor.
But, of course, it can never be as simple as taking God at His word. Nope, instead he must ask on several occasions for God to prove Himself. Because being God isn't enough. So God indulges him. His angel waits patiently in place while Gideon prepares a sacrifice. The angel performs a miracle with this sacrifice and convinces Gideon he's a legit angel (Judges 6: 20-22). Then God allows Gideon to perform his first task of destroying his father's altar to Baal under the cover of night, because he was afraid of angering the townspeople and his dad (Judges 6:27). Then there is the example we are more familiar with, that of the fleece. "Make it wet and the ground dry!" God concedes, but that's not enough. Gideon says "do not be angry with me, but let me make this last request! Make it dry and the ground wet!" (6:36-40). God then whittles Gideon's army down from some 30,000 troops to 300, but gives Gideon even more reassurance when He tells Gideon to go down to the enemy camp so he'll overhear some confirmation that he's gonna win this thing (7:10-11). Finally, Gideon decides this God might just be worth his salt and defeats the Midianites. He even gains confidence chasing down the kings that escaped the attack (8:12).
At the end of this quick, yet fascinating Bible story synopsis, I hope you see where I'm going with this. Gideon allowed his fear to dictate his actions. Some pretty bold requests were made of God in the spirit of fear and uncertainty. These emotions keep us from trusting God can and will do what He says He will do. Getting to the conclusion of these promises may be fraught with fear and laced with anxiety, and like Gideon, we ask questions, demand proof, and are uncertain all the way. We chant the mantra of "Lions and Tigers and Bears" through our haunted forest, allowing the unknown to grip us in it's unforgiving talons.
But I just want to remind you, as I've been reminded through this terrifying journey of adoption, our God will not bring you to it, not to bring you through it. Be "confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Phil 1:6
I was worried about so many things, and in the spirit of honesty, I still am going into and through this process of adoption. I've mentioned them along the way in this blog, so go back and read them. But it's becoming ever so apparent to this modern day, female Gideon that God is big and God is good. God knows His stuff and will not let me down. He will see this through to completion. And even when it's hard, and even when the haunted forest starts up with its creepy noises, and even when the scary music cues, He's right there beside me.
Before I finish this blog entry, I want to share my most recent fear and the process that God has brought me through to show me He's in control. I was terrified about the home study commencing. I had no idea what to expect, and let's face it, no one in their right mind relishes the idea of meeting with a social worker to discuss the good, bad and ugly details of your family's life, wondering what's crossing their mind when you reveal them. It's like getting told DSS has been called in to evaluate your family. But from the moment we met her to the hug we received from her when we left, and all the spiritual encouragement she gave in between, God was rubbing my back, letting me know that it was gonna be okay. He had it all along. We have 2 more visits to go, and I am actually looking forward to those visits! How my perspective has changed.
How great is our God.

Heart strings

Our most recent addition to the album, notice the pic in the background?

His birthday will be here in about 4 weeks. I'm putting together a package for him, and had asked his foster mother to inquire of some things he may like to have for his birthday. I got answers like clothes, shoes, toys, a phone (this kid has a sense of humor, evidently). And then she told me that she thought he said, "sisters come get me". She asked a couple of questions to clarify whether that is what he said and she seems pretty sure it is. Now, he may not completely understand what he is asking, may not understand the ramifications of us coming to get him to bring him to his forever home, but the request pulled on my heartstrings, nonetheless.
I have fretted about many things since we began this process. I knew it would be a long process, heavy laden with paper trails, and official seals and let's not even talk dollar bills. But the two biggest burdens on my heart have been emotional in nature. I worry about attachment on our end. I love this kiddo, but so far he's a face on an emailed picture, a little boy that I've never hugged, kissed, or disciplined. I know all these things about him, and they are all such precious pieces to the whole package, but I don't KNOW him. I think anyone who's adopted understands what I am trying to say. I haven't known him from the start, but I am trusting that the love that God has placed within my being for him long before I meet him will be the first of the bridges we will build together to a whole and attached family.
The second worry I harbor is whether he'll accept us. Everything he knows, from the food on his plate to the faces he's known all his life, are going to change. We are fixing to rock his world, and it's going to be traumatic. I can dream of an amazing "gotcha day" but for him it may be amazingly scary. I can dream of a happily ever after, and he may say happily never after. There is just no way to know for certain how his little mind and heart will react. I pray for a heartwarming story, when in reality we may see rocky beginnings before we get the happy endings. And daily, I pray to let that be okay. I pray that God continually will prepare my heart, all of our hearts, for the hard days, the tears, the anguish, the questions, and the sleepless nights. Because they're bound to come.
So when I receive answers like, "sisters come get me", my heartstrings dance a little jig. My chest constricts with a sort of terrified joy, and tears prick my eyes, because in his tiny heart and young mind, he's beginning to get there's a whole new life waiting for him. It won't be the same life he's lived, and I can't promise I'll ever learn to cook dumplings like he's accustomed to, and he may never hear fluent Mandarin again in his childhood, but it will be a good life. He will be loved, even if that love means we have to work a little harder for it sometimes. He will be family, even if he looks a little different. He will be a Blackwell, and may God give him the strength to survive us, especially his big sisters and their antics!
I love this journey, with all of its heartaches, worries, and joys. It's an incredible road to travel and I will be forever changed. I have been stretched in ways I didn't know existed. I have learned that trust in God is an almost tangible thing, how sweet the taste of relief is, and to become expectant more than apprehensive of the unknown things. I love to see the joy in my girls's faces when they talk about their little brother all the way in China, and I love to see smiling pictures of him with a picture of us on the frig behind him. I love the connections I am forming with his caretakers that live half a world away, and the lifelong relationships we will have as a result.  We are on the long side of the halfway mark of this journey and before it's said and done, I will be a different person than I was when we started. I daresay, a better one!

Heartstrings of the human heart

Ohana

I just posted my last blog entry, but then I was stalking facebook.  A lady I work with got a new tattoo on her wrist. There were beautiful and colorful flowers, and in the center of it was the word, "ohana". This is such an appropriate tattoo for this sweet lady. She talks about her family all the time. She is obviously a family oriented person. And neat fact? Her extended family has been grown by adoption as well!

Anyways, back to my original point, most of us know this word, ohana, from the movie, Lilo and Stitch. Who didn't like that movie?? Nevermind, don't answer that, because I may just have to unfriend you if you didn't! I haven't seen it in years, but at the end of the movie, Stitch makes his case about staying with this family he's adopted himself into, and there is the famous phrase, "Ohana means family; family means no one gets left behind or forgotten". That's a pretty powerful line. I did some googling and on wikipedia, it gives this definition for ohana:

Part of Hawaiian culture, ʻohana means family (in an extended sense of the term, including blood-related, adoptive or intentional). The concept emphasizes that families are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another.

Did you catch that description- blood-related, adoptive or intentional? Love it! That is family to me. We have intentionally determined that we would grow our family through adoption after having our four biological children. 

This journey has grown us in more ways than I thought possible. We have learned to trust without borders, to walk into deep waters, leaning on God's abounding grace all the while. When faced with disappointment and heartbreak, that is God's call to me. Focus on Him, keep my eyes on His goodness, grace and mercy. When I feel the stress pulling me under, I lift my eyes. When I am angry at circumstances out of my hands, I lift my eyes. When I am hurt and confused, I lift my eyes. When I am thankful, I lift my eyes. When I am at a loss for words, I lift my eyes. 

Adoption is easy, said no one ever. But God is blessing us every time we turn around. Literally hundreds of people have blessed us with their prayers, their support, their listening ears, and shoulders to cry on. I can't help but recall lyrics from Hillsong's famous song, Oceans:

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

God is good. He is faithful, and He's keeping our chins above water. Thank you for walking this journey with us. Whether you've contributed your time reading my musings, your money supporting this enormous calling, purchasing the t-shirts and hash-tagging them on Facebook, or sending up prayers on our behalf, you do not go unnoticed. You are just enlarging our ohana borders. Welcome to the family!